Tag: self-love

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Heroes & Supporting Characters

My husband Kevin and I recently finished watching the series Game of Thrones (I know, I’m late to the party). It was a really slow burn for me at first, since I am very resistant to horror, gore, war, and general themes of evil in my entertainment choices. We started the show back in 2018, and got side tracked when we moved (and I needed an emotional breather from the oftentimes anxiety-producing episodes that left me reeling). 

After a few years of recovery (lol), I finally felt ready to embark on the GOT cinematic journey again in the last few months. We picked up with some revisiting of storylines and themes, and then flew through the final three seasons. 

I won’t say I loved it all. There were actually moments where I felt so utterly overwhelmed emotionally, with tears streaming down my face and gut clenching, that I literally had to leave the room. (Watching emotive theatrics with an Empath is a whole experience in itself.) I would end an evening feeling shaken, anxious, excited, and completely affixed all at once. If you’ve seen the series – you know what I mean. 

But at the end, which I was bracing for with lots of tittering and warnings that the ending shocked and horrified many, I felt… surprisingly at ease.

Suddenly, everything fell into place. The themes that had been background became foreground. Characters I couldn’t quite settle in my mind became key players in the arcs. It all made sense. I’ve been sitting with the series resolution and rehashing parts as they relate to me, and my human experiences in my own story.

There are a few players whose purpose doesn’t really stand out until the very last season. They flit in and out of episodes for brief interludes. And then you see it. You see that they were key in the stories of the heroes – the ones who “save the day” in some way through the narrative. But you didn’t give them much thought through the series. 

They’re hero-supporters. They are key. And it didn’t make sense and now it does.

I feel like in many ways, as people we try to avoid being “supporting characters” and instead be our own “heroes” in our stories. Remember the line from the cheesy romcom – The Holiday?

“Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend.”

The Holiday

I love the sentiment in this quote, but I think it’s easy to get caught up in our own egos about what it means to be the “Leading Lady” (or Hero). 

I’ve been thinking about this through the lens of my ego lately. The things that I saw myself doing when I was young. Achievement. Success. Changing The World. Making A Difference. Chasing My Dreams. Empowering Others. 

All the Big Things (capital B capital T). 

I thought that once I hit my stride in adulthood, you know – at like 25 years old – my story would fall into place, and suddenly make sense… I would understand my grand purpose and the hero-arc I’m meant to fulfill in the World… (or some maybe less grandiose, but still ego-centric lens).

And really – we all have this to some extent. We long to make waves. To create something amazing, to help the planet in some way, to cure cancer, to make a ton of money and leave a legacy for our children and grandchildren. But what I’m seeing more clearly lately is how not everyone is destined to be the “Leading Lady” or “Hero” in the whole series. Some of us are meant to be key supporting players in the richness and complexity of the story-arc of our brief blip on this floating rock. We are critical and meaningful in this way.

A way in which I’m seeing this play out in my own life and story-arc: singing. I always LOVED to sing. Even when I had no clue how to. I longed to be a back-up singer (ironically) to a famous star on stage. To be able to travel and sing and dance and have people cheering, but not have the stress of the limelight shone upon me in every angle. Eventually, from this childhood dream grew a love of classical singing, choral, and opera. I wanted to be THE BEST… I wanted to sing Opera. Or be in musicals. To travel and create and perform.

Instead, I did none of those things. I sang in college, and then started out of college as a baby-teacher trying to get a voice studio off the ground so I could keep music in my life. Thirteen years later, it’s more than just a little hustle for me – I keep as many students as I can in my roster, while still prioritizing my family boundaries, and I find healthy part-time employment and creative satisfaction in sharing my passion with youth. 

I’m not a “Leading Lady” star in music. I never will be. But I might be a supporting character in helping another person shine in the way she was destined. I may make a difference – even in the small sliver of time we work together through her school years. I might just plant a seed that helps another do something Great – even if it’s in the way my own teacher planted seeds for me to carry on her passion. 

A friend recently called me the “Queen of Balance”  when I was feeling low and playing the comparison-game of myself to others. 

It struck me that this truly is one of the truest depictions of my ‘superpower’ as a nearly-middle-aged adult. I have many roles, but principally I aim to find balance in the ways I earn a living, prioritize my family, grow emotionally and spiritually, and give of myself in supportive and meaningful ways. 

I may not be slaying dragons, killing Night Kings, saving the world, or singing with the Metropolitan Opera… but I am showing up each day to play my supporting part in your life – and my own – from a place of love, sincerity, and openhearted spirit. 

Love and peace to you all, my friends. 

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Within or Without Motivation

 

Almost exactly four years ago, I was laid off from my job as a graphic designer, and fell into my lowest of lows of my young professional adulthood. I felt so little self-worth, and like all hope was lost… until something clicked inside me, and I just got annoyed enough with my pathetic attitude and choices that I decided to change. That little light bulb was the initial push I needed to really change my lifestyle and begin prioritizing my health. Somehow, things started to finally make sense – that I had control over my pant size and my attitude equally – that I could and would change if I wanted to.

That fresh beginning from a depressing end came from a deep internal motivation to do something better with my life. A deep, inner drive to be happier, live healthier, be more, act on my values and beliefs. It’s what got me started, and what keeps me going to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and not completely fall back into “pre-weight-loss” habits for good.

However… there are plenty of periods when that internal drive fails me. It’s just not enough! Yes, I want to “be healthy”… I want to be happy…. But in moments of weakness and frustration, “be healthy” just isn’t inspiring enough. “Be happy”…? Well, one dozen chocolate chip cookies can fill that need right now!

There are times when internal motivation is just too immeasurable. It’s not immediate, it doesn’t give me the here-and-now jolt that I need to stick to my resolutions.

 And you know what? That is totally okay.

Recognizing that internal motivation may not always be enough force to get you moving does not mean it doesn’t exist. I think to some degree, internal motivation is present in all of us. Who among us doesn’t long to be healthy and happy? I’d venture to guess everyone longs for those things – and those are internal desires.

 But internal motivation can be silent some days. Sometimes for long periods of time. And when we lack the strength to rise up from a deep will, it’s time to turn externally.

I think a part of me – and perhaps some of you – has thought that “external motivation” like rewards, or a specific date/event, or physical feat or accomplishment is somehow inferior to that pure internal driving will. But I’m here to say that depending on where you are in your journey and life, both internal and external drive are needed and equally valuable!

 After that initial spark in my journey to a healthier body and mind, the internal inspiration quickly waned. I found that working out was HARD… it wasn’t immediately rewarding, and I hurt and wanted to quit. Counting my calories… that sucked too! It took so much willpower and self-control, I wanted to give that up! So what kept me going through that?

 External rewards. Measurable progress. Specific dates, events, dresses, and physical challenges.

 I set up rewards for pounds lost, for weeks of consistent exercise, for meeting my calorie goals. I scheduled races to train for, bought a dress in a size too small and hung it on my door. I planned a vacation for 8 months down the line, and set my mind on wearing a two-piece swimsuit with confidence. I committed to these external forces to help push me through to my ultimate goal of getting healthy and being happier.

So often in our journeys we ebb and flow through motivation. I know that once I reached my initial goals, and passed those external motivations, I eased back into an internal source of motivation to keep going. I couldn’t stay focused on pounds or rewards, or I would have withered away, and depleted my bank account buying goodies for myself! It was a new identity as a healthy and fit person that kept me going forward with these new habits.

Yet here I am today, three and half years since meeting my first goals, and I’m back to external motivation. The past few months have been awfully crazy, and had me focusing in other areas of my life more than on my own physical and mental health. As life has it, this happens and is totally normal. What’s also normal, though not desirable, is gaining a few pounds every now and again.

Well, I gained a few pounds this winter. Approximately 6 pounds, to be honest. (It’s hibernation weight, right? Blasted cold outside, getting antsy inside.)

I recognize this reality as my needed kick-in-the-rear to get back into prioritizing my health. I’ve not been ridiculously off track, and I still eat a vegan diet (mostly whole foods, but some occasional convenience foods and too much sugar…). But that doesn’t mean I don’t have room for improvement.

It’s back to the wellness center for me. Back to early morning workouts, and juicing. I’ve been food journaling and keeping honest with myself about what I’m putting into my mouth. I have also set a few specific external rewards and motivations for the coming months.

My biggest external motivation is the Mrs. International Pageant, taking place at the end of July. Though the pageant does not include a swimsuit contest (thank goodness), it does have a fitness wear segment. The fitness attire is two-piece, with a sports bra top, and spandex shorts. This thought alone is terrifying enough to get me motivated to work out more consistently, and pause before shoveling in loads of cookies and chocolate. I also purchased my evening gown for the event, and admittedly – it’s a little snug in my hips. I would like to feel radiantly confident in how I look and feel on stage by then, so that thought (along with the sight of my beautiful gown hanging in my office) is keeping me excited about challenging myself again.

The internal motivation to live and stay healthy and happy is still present, though hasn’t been enough lately to keep me reassessing my behaviors. It’s time to turn outward – and keep moving forward.

Whether it is from within or from without, motivation is a beautiful tool to keep you pressing onward. I challenge you today to determine what is the best way to get you moving whatever direction you need, and to not discriminate if that motivation looks like a new pair of shoes in two months, or perhaps a beautiful dress. 

And as always – it comes down to choice. You direct your future success or failures by what you do today. If you’re lacking motivation of any kind, feel free to read this old blog of mine about just that.

Sometimes, it comes down to no motivation at all. Just a choice – right now.

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Will You Be Your Valentine?

During the week of flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, and incessant advertising by jewelry companies, I thought it might be an appropriate time to sit back and consider what this holiday of love means outside of commercial pressures. Sure, it’s a blatant opportunity to remind those in our life that we love and care for them, and a glaring day of loneliness to those who may feel unloved without a romantic partner… but isn’t it more? Can’t it be more?

I think it should be. And is. And so is every day. It’s an opportunity to truly turn inward and showourselves the love and care we need and deserve.

Have you ever hated yourself? Or, if not hated, perhaps berated? Chastised, verbally or mentally abused, physically abused through harm or guilty, angry eating? I know I have.

I know I’ve done a poor job of actually treating myself with the same love and respect I treat others. I have been a poor friend to me, been abusive and degrading, and really loathed my very existence on occasions. I’ve felt unlovable, beaten down inside, and unworthy of happiness. I thought that if I punished myself enough for my failures and ineptitudes it would somehow motivate me to improve, to suck less, to be a better person.

What I’ve learned over the last several years is that hating myself and dishonoring my body and mind has done no good at all. In fact, it’s only held me back, and made bumps in the road feel like mountains. When I started to honor myself, to love and nurture and pamper the internal and external me, I realized I could be a better person. I felt worthy. I felt like I was competent and resilient, and that I DO deserve happiness.

I have been thinking a lot about these things lately, particularly after I was feeling overwhelmed and overstretched with my to-do list, and posted a facebook status wondering how parents handle it all with children. I immediately got a whole chain of responses by parents saying things similar to “your children become your life” and that it’s all about “putting yourself second to them.” When I expressed my understanding that yes, children do become and ARE a main priority, but I think it’s important to balance the self in a life with children, I felt immediately “mommy-shamed” (and I’m not even a mom yet!), as if my admittance that self-love is still important somehow made me a selfish person and unfit to be a good parent.

Something occurred to me when I was pondering this interaction and social norm – self-sacrifice for the good of others: Loving yourself less does not mean you can therefore love others more. You do not better the world or others around you – be they your children or strangers in another continent – by self-sacrificing, self-deprecating, and self-abusing. Love is not a tangible thing (like money), where you give less to yourself and you have more to give to others. Love is endless, intangible, ever expanding and conceiving. The more you give, the more you have.

And the more you honor and love yourself, the better person you can be to others.You will feel valuable. You’ll feel honored and respected. And when you feel that way, you want others to feel it too. So you share of yourself, your time, your possessions, and love.

Now, I’m not saying that you should love your children less or love others less – I hope that’s clear. And I’m certainly not saying that you should put your “beauty rest” or personal pampering wants before the immediate needs of a baby’s diaper changing or tending to hungry children (i.e. being a responsible and loving parent). But what I am saying is that there is a way to keep self-love in our lives without it being selfishness. These things are not the same at all.

Self-love is about honor and respect of life. It’s about seeing God within you – precious and good – and allowing that light to shine forth to others. It’s about modeling a behavior of treating your SELF the way you want others to treat you, and you want to treat others!

Selfishness is about denying others and seeing no value outside the self. It’s a callous armor of cowardice, a refusal to open and be vulnerable or share with others. It is not love, and it disrespects the value of others in your life.

Can you see how these things are sooooooo not the same thing?

When you make a practice of including time and activities in your life that honor your talents and interests, and nurture both your body and soul, you can truly be a better person/parent/sibling/friend/etc. You earn no medallions and save no lives by disrespecting and belittling your self and your own worth in your life.

So, I ask you this today: Will you be your own Valentine? How can you choose to honor and love yourself in a way that makes you a better parent, and a happier, more conscious person? What gift will you give yourself this week—and next week, and the week after –to renew the love you have for you? For many of my clients, even a simple 30 minutes set aside for a bubble bath or a designated activity they enjoy just for them can be the perfect way to nourish and refresh the body, mind, and soul.

I would love to hear what you’re going to do this week as your act of self-love and care. Please comment below, or share on facebook or in an email. You are worthy of love. Even by you.