Tag: emotions

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Heroes & Supporting Characters

My husband Kevin and I recently finished watching the series Game of Thrones (I know, I’m late to the party). It was a really slow burn for me at first, since I am very resistant to horror, gore, war, and general themes of evil in my entertainment choices. We started the show back in 2018, and got side tracked when we moved (and I needed an emotional breather from the oftentimes anxiety-producing episodes that left me reeling). 

After a few years of recovery (lol), I finally felt ready to embark on the GOT cinematic journey again in the last few months. We picked up with some revisiting of storylines and themes, and then flew through the final three seasons. 

I won’t say I loved it all. There were actually moments where I felt so utterly overwhelmed emotionally, with tears streaming down my face and gut clenching, that I literally had to leave the room. (Watching emotive theatrics with an Empath is a whole experience in itself.) I would end an evening feeling shaken, anxious, excited, and completely affixed all at once. If you’ve seen the series – you know what I mean. 

But at the end, which I was bracing for with lots of tittering and warnings that the ending shocked and horrified many, I felt… surprisingly at ease.

Suddenly, everything fell into place. The themes that had been background became foreground. Characters I couldn’t quite settle in my mind became key players in the arcs. It all made sense. I’ve been sitting with the series resolution and rehashing parts as they relate to me, and my human experiences in my own story.

There are a few players whose purpose doesn’t really stand out until the very last season. They flit in and out of episodes for brief interludes. And then you see it. You see that they were key in the stories of the heroes – the ones who “save the day” in some way through the narrative. But you didn’t give them much thought through the series. 

They’re hero-supporters. They are key. And it didn’t make sense and now it does.

I feel like in many ways, as people we try to avoid being “supporting characters” and instead be our own “heroes” in our stories. Remember the line from the cheesy romcom – The Holiday?

“Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend.”

The Holiday

I love the sentiment in this quote, but I think it’s easy to get caught up in our own egos about what it means to be the “Leading Lady” (or Hero). 

I’ve been thinking about this through the lens of my ego lately. The things that I saw myself doing when I was young. Achievement. Success. Changing The World. Making A Difference. Chasing My Dreams. Empowering Others. 

All the Big Things (capital B capital T). 

I thought that once I hit my stride in adulthood, you know – at like 25 years old – my story would fall into place, and suddenly make sense… I would understand my grand purpose and the hero-arc I’m meant to fulfill in the World… (or some maybe less grandiose, but still ego-centric lens).

And really – we all have this to some extent. We long to make waves. To create something amazing, to help the planet in some way, to cure cancer, to make a ton of money and leave a legacy for our children and grandchildren. But what I’m seeing more clearly lately is how not everyone is destined to be the “Leading Lady” or “Hero” in the whole series. Some of us are meant to be key supporting players in the richness and complexity of the story-arc of our brief blip on this floating rock. We are critical and meaningful in this way.

A way in which I’m seeing this play out in my own life and story-arc: singing. I always LOVED to sing. Even when I had no clue how to. I longed to be a back-up singer (ironically) to a famous star on stage. To be able to travel and sing and dance and have people cheering, but not have the stress of the limelight shone upon me in every angle. Eventually, from this childhood dream grew a love of classical singing, choral, and opera. I wanted to be THE BEST… I wanted to sing Opera. Or be in musicals. To travel and create and perform.

Instead, I did none of those things. I sang in college, and then started out of college as a baby-teacher trying to get a voice studio off the ground so I could keep music in my life. Thirteen years later, it’s more than just a little hustle for me – I keep as many students as I can in my roster, while still prioritizing my family boundaries, and I find healthy part-time employment and creative satisfaction in sharing my passion with youth. 

I’m not a “Leading Lady” star in music. I never will be. But I might be a supporting character in helping another person shine in the way she was destined. I may make a difference – even in the small sliver of time we work together through her school years. I might just plant a seed that helps another do something Great – even if it’s in the way my own teacher planted seeds for me to carry on her passion. 

A friend recently called me the “Queen of Balance”  when I was feeling low and playing the comparison-game of myself to others. 

It struck me that this truly is one of the truest depictions of my ‘superpower’ as a nearly-middle-aged adult. I have many roles, but principally I aim to find balance in the ways I earn a living, prioritize my family, grow emotionally and spiritually, and give of myself in supportive and meaningful ways. 

I may not be slaying dragons, killing Night Kings, saving the world, or singing with the Metropolitan Opera… but I am showing up each day to play my supporting part in your life – and my own – from a place of love, sincerity, and openhearted spirit. 

Love and peace to you all, my friends. 

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What to do when your partner or family eat differently

 

Over three years ago, I started transitioning to a healthier diet and lifestyle. This was my choice–  it wasn’t a decision made in tandem with Paul. I told him things were changing, and I was going to start cooking healthier meals, and then I did. Thankfully, Paul was quite supportive and went along with the flow as I flopped through some pretty mediocre meals to start. But gradually, as my confidence grew in the kitchen, my cooking improved, and Paul had very few complaints. Occasionally, he would buy some junk food I didn’t want in the house, or make brownies when I did NOT want them around, but overall he was really supportive.

Things were a little trickier when I made the shift to a vegetarian diet. We had some pretty heart-to-heart conversations about what it would mean in our home, and though it was hard initially, things got easier with time and practice. Again, it was a transition time with food, trying lots of new types of meals and omitting the old basics. Now, having transitioned yet again to a vegan diet, Paul has been on board with the changes. Although he does not consider himself vegan and will still occasionally eat animal products, he does primarily eat plant-based and has no problem with it in the home.

That being said, it was a lot about communication, honesty, compromise, assertion, and willingness to respect each other through the process. It wasn’t just a “snap of the fingers” and everything is easy peasy. 

Any change you make in diet or lifestyle is going to affect your loved ones. Spouse, partner, children, and even extended family will notice a difference in you — both in what you’re physically choosing to put into your body and how you THINK. (The “how you think” change is, I’d say, the most challenging for others to adapt to.) Like it or not, there will be challenges associated with the change, particularly if you are lacking the support from those with whom you live. Since every relationship and family dynamic is unique, there is no “one size fits all” nugget of advice that works across the board in dealing with this challenge. But today, I wanted to offer a few thoughts on how to deal with differing views on diet in your household.

Today’s vlog topic comes from Jackie, who asked, “How do you create balance in a home where you have different eating preferences?”

Thanks for the question, Jackie! I hope this vlog is helpful.

How do YOU personally work to create balance when your family isn’t so keen on changing? Do you have any additional words of wisdom to share? Please do so below!

What should I talk about next week? Pick my brain! Comment below.

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Will You Be Your Valentine?

During the week of flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, and incessant advertising by jewelry companies, I thought it might be an appropriate time to sit back and consider what this holiday of love means outside of commercial pressures. Sure, it’s a blatant opportunity to remind those in our life that we love and care for them, and a glaring day of loneliness to those who may feel unloved without a romantic partner… but isn’t it more? Can’t it be more?

I think it should be. And is. And so is every day. It’s an opportunity to truly turn inward and showourselves the love and care we need and deserve.

Have you ever hated yourself? Or, if not hated, perhaps berated? Chastised, verbally or mentally abused, physically abused through harm or guilty, angry eating? I know I have.

I know I’ve done a poor job of actually treating myself with the same love and respect I treat others. I have been a poor friend to me, been abusive and degrading, and really loathed my very existence on occasions. I’ve felt unlovable, beaten down inside, and unworthy of happiness. I thought that if I punished myself enough for my failures and ineptitudes it would somehow motivate me to improve, to suck less, to be a better person.

What I’ve learned over the last several years is that hating myself and dishonoring my body and mind has done no good at all. In fact, it’s only held me back, and made bumps in the road feel like mountains. When I started to honor myself, to love and nurture and pamper the internal and external me, I realized I could be a better person. I felt worthy. I felt like I was competent and resilient, and that I DO deserve happiness.

I have been thinking a lot about these things lately, particularly after I was feeling overwhelmed and overstretched with my to-do list, and posted a facebook status wondering how parents handle it all with children. I immediately got a whole chain of responses by parents saying things similar to “your children become your life” and that it’s all about “putting yourself second to them.” When I expressed my understanding that yes, children do become and ARE a main priority, but I think it’s important to balance the self in a life with children, I felt immediately “mommy-shamed” (and I’m not even a mom yet!), as if my admittance that self-love is still important somehow made me a selfish person and unfit to be a good parent.

Something occurred to me when I was pondering this interaction and social norm – self-sacrifice for the good of others: Loving yourself less does not mean you can therefore love others more. You do not better the world or others around you – be they your children or strangers in another continent – by self-sacrificing, self-deprecating, and self-abusing. Love is not a tangible thing (like money), where you give less to yourself and you have more to give to others. Love is endless, intangible, ever expanding and conceiving. The more you give, the more you have.

And the more you honor and love yourself, the better person you can be to others.You will feel valuable. You’ll feel honored and respected. And when you feel that way, you want others to feel it too. So you share of yourself, your time, your possessions, and love.

Now, I’m not saying that you should love your children less or love others less – I hope that’s clear. And I’m certainly not saying that you should put your “beauty rest” or personal pampering wants before the immediate needs of a baby’s diaper changing or tending to hungry children (i.e. being a responsible and loving parent). But what I am saying is that there is a way to keep self-love in our lives without it being selfishness. These things are not the same at all.

Self-love is about honor and respect of life. It’s about seeing God within you – precious and good – and allowing that light to shine forth to others. It’s about modeling a behavior of treating your SELF the way you want others to treat you, and you want to treat others!

Selfishness is about denying others and seeing no value outside the self. It’s a callous armor of cowardice, a refusal to open and be vulnerable or share with others. It is not love, and it disrespects the value of others in your life.

Can you see how these things are sooooooo not the same thing?

When you make a practice of including time and activities in your life that honor your talents and interests, and nurture both your body and soul, you can truly be a better person/parent/sibling/friend/etc. You earn no medallions and save no lives by disrespecting and belittling your self and your own worth in your life.

So, I ask you this today: Will you be your own Valentine? How can you choose to honor and love yourself in a way that makes you a better parent, and a happier, more conscious person? What gift will you give yourself this week—and next week, and the week after –to renew the love you have for you? For many of my clients, even a simple 30 minutes set aside for a bubble bath or a designated activity they enjoy just for them can be the perfect way to nourish and refresh the body, mind, and soul.

I would love to hear what you’re going to do this week as your act of self-love and care. Please comment below, or share on facebook or in an email. You are worthy of love. Even by you.

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From the Depths of a Slump

As you know, life has its ups and downs.

The past month for me has been a series of mostly downs, unfortunately.

Those who read/have read my blogs regularly know that I am overall a pretty positive, upbeat person who tends to take change pretty well by comparison to most. I’m a go-go-go girl, and like to charge forward into the horizon with a can-do attitude and gutsy leap into the unknown.

Sometimes, though, I get knocked flat down. And then I just lay there for a while, feeling hurt, sad, mad, frustrated, and sorry for myself.

I started October in my usual manner – go-go-go get ‘em – with the sight for a wild ride of three workshops plus one cooking class to come! I set a goal to prioritize my yoga practice, and stay on-top of my to-do list at home and with work. It was looking all well and good until a phone call on Thursday morning, the 11th of October literally knocked me flat.

I was in yoga practice, and had missed about 8 calls from my mother. I had forgotten my phone at home (truthfully – I am thankful for that), so I didn’t see all the missed calls until I was safe at home, alone. I immediately called her, and was shocked to hear that my Grandma Joan had unexpectedly passed away in her sleep. They found her dead in bed that morning when she didn’t come for breakfast. I collapsed in sobs on the floor of my office, feeling the walls around me crumbling as I tried to process this new reality.

She was gone. Just… gone.

I’ve faced a chain of losses in the past three years of my life, and unfortunately, I see more coming in the not-so-distant future. It seems we each come to a few points in life like this, where we face the deaths of so many of our elder loved ones, be they four-legged or two. In 2008 I lost my Grandpa Abe; in May 2009 I lost my Grandpa Bill, followed by my childhood chocolate lab (my 12 year-old “sister”) before my birthday in July, and then my Grandpa YZ in November 2009. I lost my 18 year-old childhood cat in 2010, and then my other childhood dog Maggie, a 12 year-old golden retriever, in 2011. Despite experiencing these grievances, none have compared to the hole I feel in my life at the loss of my Grandma Joan. We were very close, and she always spoiled me, from when I was a baby to just last month. I loved her very very deeply, and made a point to go for lunch and treats with her often, have her for dinner, and stop by to bring her cookies when I was out and about. 

I share all of this today for a few reasons. First, it is therapeutic for me to express my loss through written word, and second, to illustrate that no matter where we are in life, health, or happiness, there are twists in the road that will inevitably send you into a slump. 

Since 10-11-12, I haven’t really been “myself.” I’m trying to get back into what is a “new normal” for me, but have been struggling to hoist myself from the ditch of grief. I’ve noticed that old crutches and behaviors have resurfaced (particularly emotional eating, and too much sugar), and I’ve felt extra lethargic and tired, like I can sleep forever. I haven’t been as motivated in my yoga practice or workouts, and find myself lacking the drive to DO, like I normally have.

Even those of us who seem to have the “health thing” down pat still fall into slumps. 

But the important thing for me is that I recognize this past month as just that – a temporary slump –not a tailspin into an old way of life. I’ve needed the time to turn inward, experience my pain and struggles, and just exist in it for a bit. I know the process isn’t complete yet, and will I will always have a spot in my heart for my Grandma, but I’m opening up to the change life brought, however untimely it may have been. 

This month, as we head into some of the craziest weeks of the year with the holidays and financial stress they bring, I will continue to take small steps toward reclaiming the me and life that I love and deserve. I can’t change the past. I can’t erase the weeks of pain and emotional eating. What I can dois to understand that like all things, this too shall pass.

Each day we are granted with a new opportunity to create a life and body that we love and cherish. Each day I wake to open my eyes yet again, I must give thanks for the blessing of breath, and possibility. 

If you are in slump like I am, do not fret. It is normal, and part of the journey of life. Even if your slump has been a month, a year, or maybe 10 years, today is a new day. What will you make of it, and how can you learn from the depths of the slump you’ve experienced?
Dedicated in loving memory of Grandma Joan Larson, March 19, 1930 – October 11, 2012 ~ May she live forever on in the lives of the remarkable children and grandchildren she raised.