My Ugly Habit

I have an ugly habit. Well, admittedly I have many ugly habits, but one particular I’d like to examine today. I have a horrible habit of comparison, followed by the noxious feeling of envy and jealousy.

Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

It’s rather shameful to admit this tendency of mine, as I have a lot to be grateful for, and am by almost any standards incredibly lucky and blessed. I have no reason to want for anything more in my life, talents, or possessions.

Though I’m very aware of the blessings and undeserved privileges in my life, I still haven’t ever been able to shake the feeling of coveting others’ (fill in the blank) gifts/bodies/talents/possessions/opportunities/lives. This feeling rears its ugly presence in my mind and ego whenever I begin to doubt myself, or feel that I’m not “measuring up” to some standard I’ve set for myself or perceived another to set for me. I have written a lot about my struggles with perfectionism in my life, and the quintessential “all or nothing” dreaded mindset that has kept me (and currently keeps many of you, as well as my clients) stuck in the muck and mire of not doing anything. I am very self-aware of my own weaknesses in this area, and it still takes a concerted effort to not dwell in perceived failures, or manifest challenges as failures, because intellectually I know they are not.

But that doesn’t always shake the feeling. And in the past few months, I’ve been noticing and expressing my feelings about a lot in my life, as I’ve dealt with personal struggles not fit to share in a public forum. Safe to say, life has been a bit rocky in certain areas. 

Have you ever heard the saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy”? My best friend shared that simply stated truth with me a few months ago, and it’s hung around in my mind like a persistent tune each time I catch myself coveting.

How often do we examine another person’s life from the outside and long for whatever they have or exhibit? I can’t count how often I do this, but I can estimate it’s somewhere between too much and embarrassingly often.

So, as an exercise of honestly expressing my feelings and purging myself of these comparisons (because when I long for each one, I pin it next to my current situation side-by-side and critique my own lack), I share with you my recent list of jealousies and covets:

  • For more financial freedom; ability to provide for all the possession wants I have in redecorating my home, taking time off work, traveling, treating myself to unneeded luxuries
  • To have an amazingly fit body, toned abs, larger breasts (all without the work I know it entails)
  • Longing for full bodied, thick, wavy hair that I can wear long (trivial and silly, right?)
  • Feeling of freedom that being single and full of unexplored terrain ahead brings
  • Thick eyelashes, or to afford false eyelash extensions
  • A thriving successful career, constantly moving forward
  • More time to focus on wants and self-care
  • Fewer responsibilities, more fun
  • Perfect clear skin

At the present moment, these are the vain and ridiculous jealousies and longings I’ve felt recently. I look at this list and see it all as so self-absorbed… looking a certain way? Having more money? More time? All these things are so unnecessary and certainly don’t help lift me up, or help me to appreciate the greatness that exists in my life now. 

So, as a counter list to reset my mind and attitude, here is a list of all that I am grateful for and recognize as wonderful, this very day, on the flip side of each of these longings:

  • I am financially comfortable, and understand the value of my earnings. We have enough to provide for needs, and many wants.
  • I have a healthy, reasonably fit body. I’ve been dwelling in a few pounds of extra softness lately as I focus in other areas of my life, but the reality is that I am still very healthy and my clothes still fit.
  • I have nice short hair. Many people wish they could wear a cute pixie cut, and I’m happy to do so confidently, even though I can’t do the long hair styles so well.
  • I have a loving, supportive partner in life who is always there for me. We have a lot of ways to grow, both together and individually, and still much unexplored terrain.
  • I can wear false eyelashes, and have finally figured out how to apply them! Also, this just doesn’t matter. (LOL)
  • I’m pursuing a career I love in small steps, and have come a long way since deciding to change. It’s a slow process, but I will get there someday.
  • I have more time than most to focus on me, and am grateful to not have children at this point in my life. I am trying to find ways to refocus in healthy habits for my own body and mind.
  • My responsibilities are ones I’ve chosen and added to my life, to keep it full and busy. I can choose to let go of certain things, but choose not to. I can have more fun when I reset my attitude.
  • My skin is young, I wash it and enjoy taking care of it. No one has perfect skin.

Amazing how this act of simply writing out these silly comparisons and countering them with a gracious heart and perspective can and has truly reset my mind, if even just for the time being. 

I believe that we have the power to make our lives what we want. That our choices and outlook will shape the opportunities afforded each of us. I believe in the powerful “secret” that positive thoughts reap positive actions. And I am trying my hardest each day to remind myself of this very belief as I inevitably fall into my negative human tendencies of comparison.

I refuse to let comparison steal my joy. I challenge you to do the same.

What to do when your partner or family eat differently

 

Over three years ago, I started transitioning to a healthier diet and lifestyle. This was my choice–  it wasn’t a decision made in tandem with Paul. I told him things were changing, and I was going to start cooking healthier meals, and then I did. Thankfully, Paul was quite supportive and went along with the flow as I flopped through some pretty mediocre meals to start. But gradually, as my confidence grew in the kitchen, my cooking improved, and Paul had very few complaints. Occasionally, he would buy some junk food I didn’t want in the house, or make brownies when I did NOT want them around, but overall he was really supportive.

Things were a little trickier when I made the shift to a vegetarian diet. We had some pretty heart-to-heart conversations about what it would mean in our home, and though it was hard initially, things got easier with time and practice. Again, it was a transition time with food, trying lots of new types of meals and omitting the old basics. Now, having transitioned yet again to a vegan diet, Paul has been on board with the changes. Although he does not consider himself vegan and will still occasionally eat animal products, he does primarily eat plant-based and has no problem with it in the home.

That being said, it was a lot about communication, honesty, compromise, assertion, and willingness to respect each other through the process. It wasn’t just a “snap of the fingers” and everything is easy peasy. 

Any change you make in diet or lifestyle is going to affect your loved ones. Spouse, partner, children, and even extended family will notice a difference in you — both in what you’re physically choosing to put into your body and how you THINK. (The “how you think” change is, I’d say, the most challenging for others to adapt to.) Like it or not, there will be challenges associated with the change, particularly if you are lacking the support from those with whom you live. Since every relationship and family dynamic is unique, there is no “one size fits all” nugget of advice that works across the board in dealing with this challenge. But today, I wanted to offer a few thoughts on how to deal with differing views on diet in your household.

Today’s vlog topic comes from Jackie, who asked, “How do you create balance in a home where you have different eating preferences?”

Thanks for the question, Jackie! I hope this vlog is helpful.

How do YOU personally work to create balance when your family isn’t so keen on changing? Do you have any additional words of wisdom to share? Please do so below!

What should I talk about next week? Pick my brain! Comment below.

How to Break a Coffee Addiction (Vlog)

 

If you’re like most other Americans, you may enjoy a certain beverage every morning as a daily “pick-me-up.” The ol’ cuppa Joe. 

I’m not exempt from the majority on this one. I LOVE my coffee, and enjoy it in many ways: just black, espresso, Americano, cappuccino, latte, sweetened, unsweetened, creamer, spices, and even iced.

Yes, I enjoy coffee.

But I don’t enjoy it every single day. And I’m not addicted anymore!

At the early part of last year, I used to think I wasn’t addicted but just LIKED my coffee and could quit anytime. After going cold-turkey for a bit, subbing green tea even, I had the most brain-splitting headaches and was super tired and crabby. Ha! NOT addicted? I was totally kidding myself there.

Since breaking the addiction, I still enjoy my coffee a few times per week, but don’t feel horrible without it. (I do feel like I can FLYYYYYY when I drink it, though! LOL.) Over the past year, I have found several things helpful in replacing this addiction with healthier and happier habits. 

I hope you find this video helpful if you’re a coffee addict! 

Here is a link to the brewed cocoa I mentioned: http://www.criobru.com

What topic should I talk about next week? Share your thoughts and questions below, and I may choose your topic to discuss in the future!

 

What do I eat on a daily basis? (Vlog)

 

Last week I posted my first video blog and asked for YOUR questions for me to talk about. The question I chose for today’s post was from Briana Kiefer, where she suggested, “How about one vlog about how you eat in a day?”

Excellent! I love talking about food (although now I’m feeling kinda hungry… going to sip my orange-colored-juice [with no oranges in it]). 

I hope you enjoy today’s vlog and glean some new ideas for daily eats! Also, please enjoy this week’s video-bombing star: my cat Nina. (If you remember in last week’s post, my husband and my dog both video-bombed while I was recording [at 6:33]. LOL!)

What do YOU eat on a daily basis to feed your healthy happy life?

As with last week, I would love your questions for future topics! What should I talk about next week? Ask below, and I may choose your question for the next topic! 

First Video Blog (Vlog) – Health Coaching Principles

 

Greetings, friends!

Today, I got a wild hair and decided to try something new (well, newish for me): a video blog! I used to post an occasional vlog on SparkPeople when I was blogging regularly there, and would now like to get back in a routine of doing vlogs and blogs here on my own website. Sometimes it’s just better to hear things face-to-face, ya know?

My hope with these vlogs is to help generate conversation, and give you an opportunity to ask questions and possibly get them answered by me! I work on lots of different concepts with my clients, and would love to give you a little glimpse of what it would be like to work with me as a client.

In today’s vlog, I talk about my guiding principles in health coaching — the basic philosophies I have while working with clients toward healthy lifestyle changes. I hope you find it interesting, and that it gives you a better insight into what health coaching entails.

I would love to hear your thoughts, feedback, and questions in my comments below! Do you agree with my principles? 

What would you like me to talk about next week? Any burning questions you’d like me to share my thoughts on? Ask away, and I’ll choose one to answer in my next vlog!

Healthy Homemade Snickers Bars

 

If you’re not already allured by this blog post title, let me get you just a bit more interested with a [mediocre, but still] tantalizing photo…

IMG_1234

Ooooooohhhhh yeeaaaaahhhhhh!

Since making the switch to a vegan lifestyle, I have become even more aware of the ingredient labels on any packaged foods I buy. (I don’t buy many, or very often, but when I do, rest assured I’ve read the label.) To my dismay, most of my favorite chocolate candy bars and treats I would rarely indulge in contain dairy, so they are no longer appealing to me in the same way they once were. 

But the good news is that it’s got me feeling creative when it comes to making healthier and even more delicious versions of my treats at home! Nice!

Last night, craving inspiration struck when I was wanting a creamy and gooey sweet treat, and really longing for a Snickers bar. So, drawing upon some of the recipes I’ve tried before (like Angela Liddon’s healthier Twix Bars – you must make these, too!), I concocted my own sweet treat in the matter of 10 minutes. 

Yep, 10 MINUTES! That’s how quickly you can get these made (well… plus the freeze time, but that’s just agonizing wait time, not active). 

These healthified candy bars will conquer any sweet craving you have! But I warn you… it’s also hard not to eat the whole (small) pan at once. ;)

[yumprint-recipe id=’2′]I hope you try these bars and enjoy them! I’d love to hear if you do, especially if you have a major sweet tooth like me and really value a good chocolate treat now and then (*ahem* daily). 

Favorite Fridge Foods: Staples for My Healthy Kitchen

 

A couple days ago, I posted a question on facebook about what you might like to read on this blog. Many of you seemed interested in reading about my favorite foods and kitchen staples, and since a kitchen and pantry stocked with healthy items is key to living and eating well, I thought it would be a good topic to cover.

When working with clients on healthy changes in their nutrition habits, I am often surprised (even though I shouldn’t be) by what foods people have not tried and do not use on a daily basis — foods that I consider pretty “common” in my life, and that I utilize all the time. It is easy to forget that only a few short years ago, this “normal” of mine was completely different, and I would have written a staples list that looked something like this: pasta, cereal, bread, cow’s milk, Chef Boyardee, Kraft Mac N Cheese boxes, hamburger, chicken breasts, creamed soups, cheetos, lunch meat, cheese, and a family size gallon of ice cream (chocolate chip). 

YIKES!

While I do still admittedly stock pastas, some cereal (mainly for my husband, the Cereal Eater), and sometimes bread (fresh baked whole grain, or Ezekiel – frozen), the rest of my list has changed dramatically over the past few years. I rarely shop in the middle of the grocery store, and when I do, it’s generally for something which I can’t find an organic or health-market version. 

When I’m introducing new clients to healthy foods, or walking them through a pantry raid (buh-bye Cheez-Its!) or a grocery shopping tour, I will often give them a list of my pantry and kitchen staples. This list is categorized by type and section of my kitchen (pantry, baking goods, vegetables, condiments, etc), and covers pretty much everything I could think of that I routinely stock. 

Since I don’t want to lose your attention, I’m going to break down just a FEW of my staples into a couple blogs to give you an idea of the kinds of things I routinely turn to in my cooking and eating on a regular basis! This blog will cover a few favorite items from my fridge (fruits, veggies, etc). Please excuse my first item from qualifying in the “fridge” list, but it couples well with the fruits/veggies. ;-)

Favorite Fridge Foods

Bananas

Okay, so I don’t store bananas in my FRIDGE, but I figured I’d include them with other fruits and veggies I always keep on hand in this list. I always have bananas in my kitchen. I will often intentionally buy the brown/spotted ones, or wait until they get really ripe at home, then peel and break them in half to store in a bag in my freezer. Always always always have frozen bananas. It’s great for emergency “banana ice cream,” adding great texture and natural sweetness to smoothies, and coining and dipping in chocolate shell (mmmm). For a fun snack idea, slice a fresh banana lengthwise  and spread with almond or peanut butter and a few chocolate chips. Banana split!

apples_orangesApples & Oranges

Pretty standard fruits, but I always have them as well. They’re easy grab-n-go snacks, and have a long life in the fridge! I use oranges a lot in my juices, and love apple slices sprinkled with cinnamon and dipped in peanut or almond butter for a snack. Peel and chop up an orange and throw it in a raw kale salad for a delightful citrus flavor with a strong green.

Kale

Kale is my all-time favorite green vegetable! I almost always have kale on hand… and if I don’t, it’s because I’ve just eaten it all up and need to buy some soon! I put kale in everything from smoothies, raw salads, on top of pizza, stuffed in wraps, thrown in stir fries, torn into soups, and as a big steamed or sautéed pile on my plate. Kale chips are also a favorite snack of mine!

Spinach & Romaine

Spinach_SaladThese are pretty standard greens in my fridge. Believe it or not, I don’t use them primarily for salads (although yes, I do make delicious salads with them, too – like the one in this picture)! Primarily, I use both these greens in smoothies and juicing (spinach more for smoothies, romaine for juices). They’re so light and fresh and leave me feeling fan-freaking-tastic every time.

 

Unsweetened Original Almond Milk

This is my go-to milk. I use it in everything! Smoothies, gravies, baked goods, shakes, dressings, soups, and just as a cold glass with a cookie! I love how creamy almond milk is as compared to other milks, and the store-brand (HyVee) around here is only $2.49/half gallon. Compare that to $4.99/half gallon for “good quality” (organic, hormone-free, “grass fed”) cow’s milk, and it’s a considerable savings. Sometimes, I freeze almond milk in ice cube trays and then use for blending up deliciously thick and creamy shakes – combine with some silken tofu and you have a thick “Frosty” treat.

almond_milkI have tried other nondairy milks — like soy, rice, hemp, coconut “beverage”, and oat  — and like the texture and taste of almond best. Soy has a slightly sweet flavor (even unsweetened), and should be used moderately, rice milk is kind of watery but has a mild taste, hemp milk is thick and creamy but very expensive, coconut milk “beverage” (the kind in the carton) is very coconutty and thinner than almond milk, and oat definitely has a strong OAT taste, which may not be great in all dishes. Almond wins my vote. :)

Natural Peanut Butter & Almond Butter

I use nut butters in smoothies, on whole grain toast, swirled into oatmeal, in baked goods, blended into dressings/sauces, as a dip for fruits and veggies (apples, carrots, and celery are common for me), and of course by the spoonful. If you’ve never tried almond butter, you seriously need to go buy some (or make some) immediately. Seriously. Go. Now. ;) 

Nuts & Seeds (stored in the freezer)

Nuts_seedsKeep raw nuts and seeds fresh by storing in the fridge or freezer — the Omega fatty acids in nuts go rancid on the shelf after a few months, so its important to keep them cold in airtight containers and they will last for upwards of a few years! I always have these raw nuts and seeds on hand for baking, cooking, and snacking: walnuts, almonds, pecans, cashews, brazil nuts, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, flaxseed, hemp seeds, and sesame seeds. When I first starting cooking and baking more plant-based, I didn’t have this variety in my kitchen all the time! So, it seemed like an uncomfortable (and expensive) shift to start stocking these regularly. However, now that they are “staples” in my kitchen, I use them often and buy intermittently, so the price doesn’t seem as shocking all at once. 

 

I know it can seem overwhelming trying to transition to a healthy kitchen and pantry all at once, so make changes as you can, with foods that you enjoy. Try new recipes each week that may utilize foods or ingredients you don’t typically stock, and then set a challenge to use those unfamiliar foods or ingredients in another way later on that week or next! These items would not have become staples in my life if I only depended on them for the occasional recipe that calls for it. Familiarize yourself with fresh foods, and get creative. 

After all, if you have healthy foods on hand (and DON’T have the crap food — like Cheetos or cream-of-mystery-stuff soups) then you won’t turn to the old patterns for comfort and ease. You’ll have to eat the good stuff, or it goes to waste (which really pisses me off when I waste food, so it’s a good motivator to eat it!). 

Watch and subscribe for my next post which will continue the theme of this one — Favorite Pantry Foods! You’ll get some insight into the things I regularly keep on hand to throw together healthful meals and snacks on a regular basis.

What are you favorite fridge foods? Do you share any of mine? Share your thoughts below!

 

Easy Orzo Salad

 I love orzo. I love it’s strange texture – a cross between pasta and rice – and that it’s such a quick, easy dish to cook up.

At Pomegranate Market, there is an orzo salad that I’ve tried and enjoy, but there are a few downsides to it: 1) it is loaded with black olives, and I’m just not a fan; 2) it uses white orzo (refined grain). So last night for a quick dinner, I wanted to experiment with a dish that could be eaten warm from the pan, or cold as a summer salad. You can experiment with this idea and use any vegetables you have on hand or enjoy. You can also skip the water sauté and simply add all the veggies raw for more crunch (massage the kale first and let it soften with a little oil), or cook all the veggies instead. I am sure halved cherry tomatoes would be lovely in this salad, too. Make it more substantial by adding a cup or two of beans (white beans, yum!) or by crumbling in fried tempeh.

I’m a big fan of flexible cooking. Have fun with your meals, mix it up, and enjoy!

[yumprint-recipe id=’1′]

What I “Really” Look Like: Healthy Body in Unflattering & Flattering Photos

I am a beautiful woman.

I say this not to sound arrogant or narcissistic, but to point out a reality that I often struggle to acknowledge and accept with humility. I am beautiful, and so are you.

We as women have such deeply rooted self-esteem battles, that are ever aggravated in the bombarding of daily media we face. We’re constantly measuring ourselves against the woman next to us, the face on the magazine cover, the girl in the commercial, the blogger, the facebook friend whose Instagramed “selfies” are filtered over unrecognizably. There is no shortage of ways to fall short in the measures of beauty we hold ourselves to. It’s obscene, really.

And it’s bull. It’s utterly insane, self-degrading and abusive, and makes no sense at all. How can we live a life of health and happiness if we are constantly beating ourselves down? Constantly comparing ourselves to the appearance and standards of others? There is no safety or self-esteem in a life like this. Only self-hatred and a constant feeling of lack.

I’ve been struggling with this on and off for my whole life – much like you have, I’d guess. When I decided to embark on a journey toward a more fit body and mind, I knew that losing weight wouldn’t solve all my problems. (And it didn’t.) Sure, I felt better in a healthier, smaller and stronger body, but the mental hurdles I faced still kept me cycling in and out of self-abuse and talk. I’d look in the mirror and ONLY see the cellulite. I’d scour magazines for health tips and beauty tips and the best workout to “tone my abs.” It didn’t matter that my weight was healthy, my body strong and capable, or that my husband adores me—only that no matter how hard I tried, I could never get those six-pack abs, that cellulite-free butt or that tiny waist. I could try on a pair of size four jeans in one store—and feel like I was on top of the world!—then go to the next and barely squeeze into a “juniors” (ha!) size 11, and then feel like I was fat and gross.

Admittedly, I sometimes still have these feelings. I have low-self esteem days here and there, and wonder if I’ll ever just be OK and happy in my skin.

But those days are few. And I am proud to say that MOST days, I truly do believe I am beautiful and don’t need to measure up to any of the other women I see. Because I’m me, and I’m healthy and worthy and good as I am.

I’ve had these thoughts on my mind a lot in the past few days since I read this very inspiring blog post by Fit Mama Training. Check it out here: fitmamatraining.com/what-i-really-look-like-a-perfectly-healthy-body-in-more-and-less-flattering-photos/

She posts a chain of photos of her real, beautiful and healthy body in some unflattering and flattering angles. It was so inspiring to read her words of confidence and truth – I felt the desire to do the same.

So, my friends, today I share with you some real photos of my healthy body, in more and less flattering angles. They’re not filtered or edited, just real unprofessional quick shots from today.

We start this morning… post-shower, wet hair and no makeup. I have a few blemishes, and usually do. I’ve always struggled with feeling ugly whenever I get breakouts (which has been almost always, from about age 12 to 25), and I’m trying to be more gentle with myself and not “attack” my skin at night (since abusing it by picking only makes it angrier and worse!).

Torso shot… not flexing, not slouching… just standing. I don’t have a “perfectly toned core” and no matter how thin I’ve gotten in the past, I can’t get definition or much for a defined waist. It’s just how my body is shaped and that’s okay. I can “pinch an inch” around my hips and tummy. I also have stretch marks on my hips and thighs and butt, and I have tiny breasts. All these things are okay, and don’t make me less beautiful.

Here is a more flattering angle, in my yoga booty-shorts and sports bra. I weighed myself after breakfast and workout today, and I’m around 150 pounds (5’10”). This is on the high side of maintenance for me, but it’s easy to fluctuate between 147-151 without effort. When I try to keep my weight between 143-145, it takes more effort—careful eating and more rigorous exercise. For the few pounds difference, no one notices but me. And I don’t care that much anymore.

Squattin’! Leg muscle definition, strong booty. 

More flattering angle. Sucked in, flexed tummy. Not much definition, but lots of muscle!

Less flattering angle. Different lighting, slumping down, pooching out over shorts. Baby-love handles and soft pooch. Still okay.

Less flattering angle. Slumpy slouchy. Intentionally pooching out belly and hunching over. Not so cute? Still okay.

GROSS FACE! Slumpy hunchy. Rippled “belly fat.” 

Pulled the shorts waistline down a bit, and I can REALLY stick out the belly. Looks like I could lose a little fat here, doesn’t it? Could make a good “before / after” photo, even just compared to some of the more flattering pics above!

Booty-shot. Not perfectly toned. I have cellulite. That’s okay. This booty can squat, balance in yoga poses and run me far!

More flattering shot, differently lighting. Flexing abs.

Difficult behind-the-head-mirror-back shot. I have muscle back there.

All dressed up and made-up! Normal day look for me. Flattering lighting and angle.

Unflattering face. Double chin!

Big grin! Less cute angle, but real me. I have little wrinkles and blemishes.

Different lighting, different look. Still okay!

Full body shot, all dressed up and accessorized.

That’s me, folks. Lots of angles, lots of realness. And I’m beautiful, and so are you.

My hope in sharing these photos and thoughts is not to give myself an ego-boost. I don’t need that from you, as I’m learning to boost myself in a healthy way each day. I’m hoping to give YOU a shot of confidence, knowing that you are gorgeous and worthy, with or without a filter or photoshop. Don’t compare yourself to me, because you’re NOT me. Ya get what I’m saying?

You are uniquely and perfectly YOU. And that’s enough. Because you’re enough.

Stop all the comparison. Stop trying to make your body like someone else’s. Stop the “fitspiration” pages collecting photos of people with totally different genetic makeup than you. You won’t look like them, even following their workouts and diet plans!

Today, I challenge you to see through the judgment, through the comparison, and the unflattering angles. See that you ARE enough, you ARE beautiful, and you CAN be healthy and happy in your skin.

Be beautiful. Be you!

If you’d like some support along the way, making a shift to a happier and healthier internal and external YOU, please let me know. Powerful change can happen over the course of a few months with the right support and steps to make it happen. Be well, my beautiful friends!

Will You Be Your Valentine?

During the week of flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, and incessant advertising by jewelry companies, I thought it might be an appropriate time to sit back and consider what this holiday of love means outside of commercial pressures. Sure, it’s a blatant opportunity to remind those in our life that we love and care for them, and a glaring day of loneliness to those who may feel unloved without a romantic partner… but isn’t it more? Can’t it be more?

I think it should be. And is. And so is every day. It’s an opportunity to truly turn inward and showourselves the love and care we need and deserve.

Have you ever hated yourself? Or, if not hated, perhaps berated? Chastised, verbally or mentally abused, physically abused through harm or guilty, angry eating? I know I have.

I know I’ve done a poor job of actually treating myself with the same love and respect I treat others. I have been a poor friend to me, been abusive and degrading, and really loathed my very existence on occasions. I’ve felt unlovable, beaten down inside, and unworthy of happiness. I thought that if I punished myself enough for my failures and ineptitudes it would somehow motivate me to improve, to suck less, to be a better person.

What I’ve learned over the last several years is that hating myself and dishonoring my body and mind has done no good at all. In fact, it’s only held me back, and made bumps in the road feel like mountains. When I started to honor myself, to love and nurture and pamper the internal and external me, I realized I could be a better person. I felt worthy. I felt like I was competent and resilient, and that I DO deserve happiness.

I have been thinking a lot about these things lately, particularly after I was feeling overwhelmed and overstretched with my to-do list, and posted a facebook status wondering how parents handle it all with children. I immediately got a whole chain of responses by parents saying things similar to “your children become your life” and that it’s all about “putting yourself second to them.” When I expressed my understanding that yes, children do become and ARE a main priority, but I think it’s important to balance the self in a life with children, I felt immediately “mommy-shamed” (and I’m not even a mom yet!), as if my admittance that self-love is still important somehow made me a selfish person and unfit to be a good parent.

Something occurred to me when I was pondering this interaction and social norm – self-sacrifice for the good of others: Loving yourself less does not mean you can therefore love others more. You do not better the world or others around you – be they your children or strangers in another continent – by self-sacrificing, self-deprecating, and self-abusing. Love is not a tangible thing (like money), where you give less to yourself and you have more to give to others. Love is endless, intangible, ever expanding and conceiving. The more you give, the more you have.

And the more you honor and love yourself, the better person you can be to others.You will feel valuable. You’ll feel honored and respected. And when you feel that way, you want others to feel it too. So you share of yourself, your time, your possessions, and love.

Now, I’m not saying that you should love your children less or love others less – I hope that’s clear. And I’m certainly not saying that you should put your “beauty rest” or personal pampering wants before the immediate needs of a baby’s diaper changing or tending to hungry children (i.e. being a responsible and loving parent). But what I am saying is that there is a way to keep self-love in our lives without it being selfishness. These things are not the same at all.

Self-love is about honor and respect of life. It’s about seeing God within you – precious and good – and allowing that light to shine forth to others. It’s about modeling a behavior of treating your SELF the way you want others to treat you, and you want to treat others!

Selfishness is about denying others and seeing no value outside the self. It’s a callous armor of cowardice, a refusal to open and be vulnerable or share with others. It is not love, and it disrespects the value of others in your life.

Can you see how these things are sooooooo not the same thing?

When you make a practice of including time and activities in your life that honor your talents and interests, and nurture both your body and soul, you can truly be a better person/parent/sibling/friend/etc. You earn no medallions and save no lives by disrespecting and belittling your self and your own worth in your life.

So, I ask you this today: Will you be your own ValentineHow can you choose to honor and love yourself in a way that makes you a better parent, and a happier, more conscious person? What gift will you give yourself this week—and next week, and the week after –to renew the love you have for you? For many of my clients, even a simple 30 minutes set aside for a bubble bath or a designated activity they enjoy just for them can be the perfect way to nourish and refresh the body, mind, and soul.

I would love to hear what you’re going to do this week as your act of self-love and care. Please comment below, or share on facebook or in an email. You are worthy of love. Even by you.